I thought I was prepared

Last Friday, I had my follow-up appointment with my plastic surgeon. I was so thankful that the pathology report stated "no evidence of invasive cancer". I had the drains removed which I was so happy about. Then he removed the bandages, I thought that I was ready for this. Nothing could prepare you for it. You see pictures of others that have gone through it, but when you are looking at your own body it is so different. After the surgeon was finished he left the room and Arnold just held me and we cried together for a while before I was able to pick myself up and move on. I know how hard this was for me I can only imagine what he was going through in his emotions. Being a man and just wanting to fix it and knowing that he could not. I am glad that we can talk, cry and just be here for each other. We both have good days and bad days. I have read a lot of stories about how women mourn after this surgery and I thought that would not happen to me. Was I ever wrong! When I got home on Friday I had not actually been able to totally see myself until I was in front of the mirror. I saw something that scared me, something that was new, something that I will always be a reminder, as a woman something was taken away that was very special too me. I thought I was so prepared I had prayed about this I thought I knew what it was going to be like. I was going to have immediate reconstruction so I would wake up with something there. Well it is not the same but it is something. I woke up on Saturday very emotional and no matter what I did I just wanted to cry. I prayed God what is happening to me? Is this normal? Am I being vain? So I researched it and discovered that women go through a mourning process like if someone close to them dies. Wow, I could not believe I was mourning losing my breasts how could that be. I knew that this was the best thing to do. I knew that that this body is just a temple that it was not made to last forever. I guess that it was healthly for me to feel this way because after I got over the mourning I was able to pick myself up. I feel like it was good that I just took that time to talk to God about it. I was not having a pity party, I just was missing something that I had for a very long time. Now I have a new set with a warranty! I am going to make the most of what has happened. Sometimes after I go through something I am more compassionate of others. I pray that God will use me to minister to others.

Consider it pure Joy

WOW! I can't believe the surgery is over. As they say the anticipation is the worst. So far I can say it has not been easy but it is no way as bad as I envisioned. I was sitting here yesterday thinking of what an absolute blessed life I have. I have the most amazing husband, two beautiful children, my parents and family close by, an awesome church family. I had just received the mail and I got a bunch of cards which made me feel special and then some meals were being delivered to us later in the day. My Josh was here. My Sommer was in class learning more about the Lord and how to serve him in her life. Arnold was here taking care of the domestic things for us. Why was I so full of Joy. Then I realized this is it. I can be suffering, can be facing trials but my joy does not depend on any of those things my Joy is in the Lord. It is in the relationship I have with him. If my focus is in the right place than I can have Joy. I have realized that Joy is a choice, I already have the joy within me but I must exercise it. I can sit around and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to allow God to use this in my life to bring glory to his name. I never said that I was happy about it, I would give it up in a minute, believe me. My God allows me to have Joy in my suffering I just have to choose weather I will accept it or not. His grace is sufficient. I have also thought of the many people in my life Christians and non-Christians that have told me it's not fair. They are so right life is not fair but God never told us anything about that his goal is to make me more like Jesus and he knows me better than I know myself so he knows what it will take. No, I don't believe that he gave me cancer or that he wanted me to suffer but I do know that he allows things and he knows that what Satan meant for bad he can turn into good. So that is why I have Joy because I have chosen it. If God wants to use a weak servant to bring glory to him all I can say is "Bring it on!" The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will serve him with gladness of heart. My heavenly Father loves me and draws me to Himself. I have His Word that He will mold me and make me what He desires me to be. How can I not have Joy?

My prayers have been answered

No, it's not how I thought they would be answered. It is funny how God works in my life sometimes. In 2004 I was 37 I had two cancer diagnoses been through chemotherapy two times as well as radiation. My doctor was trying to put me into menopause by giving me a monthly injection in my stomach. I had been taking the shots for about four years and it was not accomplishing what he had hoped for. He recommended that I speak with a genetic counselor and consider taking the test to see if I carried the breast cancer gene. Well I spoke with the counselor and she felt that there was a high probability that I had the gene. I felt like I didn't want to take the test unless I was going to do something different if it came back positive. The recommendation was that it was needed information to determine the next step in treating me. I took the test and it came back positive. I was advised by a team of doctors to have a hysterectomy and possible mastectomy I discussed this with my oncologist and we decided together that I should do the hysterectomy but we would hold off on the mastectomy and if I had another cancer in my breast I would have to have the surgery. I have been still praying about this since 2004 and asking the Lord to show me what I should do about this. In August when I took my mammogram and it showed a suspicious spot and then had it biopsied and it was determined that there were some cancer cells but they were confined to the milk ducts. I believe that this was answered prayer. I believe that this is what was needed for me to take this step and do what I need to do. Now as I prepare for my surgery today I know that the Lord will be with me and I know that this is what he had led me to do. I am so weak but in him I have such strength. I would never have imagined that I could have such peace and joy while facing this.

Why I Run the Race for the Cure

WHY I RUN THE RACE FOR THE CURE

I have seen that people participate in the "Race for the Cure" for a lot of different reasons. I started to think about this coming up race on October 25 and at first I thought I'm not going to participate this year because I most likely will not be able to run since it will be about a month after my surgery. But then people started asking me if we were going to form a team and do the race this year. At first I said yes because I didn't want to let anyone down. It goes much deeper than that. I run the race because I can and it is not about me or anyone else. It is about bringing awareness and prayerfully to find a cure someday soon. I run the race for my daughter, Sommer, for my sister, Sheilia, for my nieces, Heather, Sierra, Hanna. I pray everyday that none of these precious girls with have to go through what I have gone through or what my mother, Joan has gone through. I run to find a cure or I walk or maybe I will crawl but I am still in the race. It is bigger than just finding a cure for breast cancer it is about staying in the race to get the prize that the Lord offers me. It helped me to think about how in my spiritual life there are times that I run, times that I walk, times that I crawl and there are times that I am just here but I'm still in the race. That is why I run the race and the reason why I form a team is because I have discovered in my life that I can accomplish so much more with the help of others than on my own. We need to find a cure for cancer and I believe that we will. But until there is a cure I do my part and press on to the goal! If you would like to join our team this year than please register on the Komen website at KomenCentralValley.org Our team name is "Prevention is the Cure."

I SEARCHED WITH ALL MY HEART

June of 1999, I found a lump again and it has been six years so I guess that it's nothing because five years and your home free right? After I had cancer the first time I thought that it was over. Then I found a lump on the other breast as soon as I discovered it I called my oncologist who immediately scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound which detected something solid. No time to think too much it was growing so quickly. A lumpectomy was scheduled within two days, just skipped right over the biopsy this time. I remember thinking what if they are wrong and it's not cancer this is unnecessary surgery.

This time I woke up to see my mom and dad they were crying so I knew, no one had to say a word. But maybe just maybe it's early so no chemotherapy or radiation this time. Nope it is stage II again it has spread to one lymph node so chemotherapy and radiation was needed. Here we go again now Josh is eleven and Sommer is eight. Six months of Chemotherapy and radiation again.

Something was happening inside of me this time, I mean deep inside I was questioning my existence I just couldn't believe that this is all there is, you live on this earth for a few years and then it's all over? No there has to be more. So I started searching trying different things I had already tried a lot of what the world had to offer and always came back feeling empty. How about this new age stuff, positive thinking, mediation, how about this I'll try praying Jesus into my heart. No, Something is still missing. I went to church when I was young I will try that. My grandma took me to the Church of Christ every Sunday until I thought I wanted to do things my own way. Maybe I will try that. So I went and there was this friendly preacher, Stan Williams and this one elder, John Ed Clark that kept saying hello to me and to my family like they were really happy to see us. Then Stan asked if he could study with us. I still thought that since I was baptized as a teen that I was o.k. until Stan preached a lesson one Sunday morning he had these chairs up in the front of the church and his sermon was on which chair were you in the one where you are sure of where you are going or one of the other chairs I sat there thinking I really don't know which chair I am in and I don't want to not be sure what if I died? It was that day in September 2000 that I found what was missing in my life. I was baptized into Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of the Holy Spirit. I know that the angels were rejoicing. I searched for Jesus with all of my heart and I found him. I now understood that there is more to life. This is not all there is there is so much more than what I can see with my eyes. I now can also see with my heart. Since then I have seen amazing things happen in me andin Arnold since we have become christians. We were so lost and we didn't even know it but God allowed the "best worst thing" to happen to me so that my eyes could be opened. To this day I thank the Lord that he used something as horrible as Cancer to get my attention. He has brought me so far and I know I still need a lot of work but if he can take a simple country girl and save her from herself he can do all things. I love the Lord and am still amazed at how he works in my life. As I prepare for surgery on Friday, a surgery that I have been praying about weather I should have for the last four years. I believe that God has answered that prayer with a YES. There is no doubt in my mind that he has allowed these cancer cells to surface because he knows that this is the only way for me to do what I need to do to be around for the tomorrows that he has planned for me. I am excited to see what he has in store for me on the other side of this.

YOUR TOO YOUNG

Your too young, that's what I kept hearing from doctor after doctor. I was 26 years old I had a two year old and a five year old. It was Christmas 1992 and I discovered a lump in my left armpit, I didn't think much of it so I would wait a couple of weeks until after the holidays and go to the Dr. I made my appointment but was told that it was not unusual and that I should give it some time and it will go away. I was not satisfied with this because it hurt and it bothered me when I would pick up my babies. I kept pressing it with the doctors and kept getting the same response until one Dr. decided to take some fluid from it to test, but he could not get anything. He advised me to have a biopsy.

It was February 1993 the biopsy was over, the surgeon came in and told me and Arnold, "it's maligiant, you have breast cancer." I was in shock but all the doctors told me "your only 26 it's very rare, cancer dosen't hurt", and this hurt! besides that I don't want to die. The only people I had ever known or known of that had got cancer died. He gave us some videos and told us not to make any decisions today we had time. This has to be the scariest words that a doctor can say to you. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the battle that I would have to endure.

Leaving

On August 10, 2008 I left a piece of myself in Lubbock Texas. This was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my life. When Sommer first seemed to be interested in the AIM program I prayed a lot about it. I realized that if this is what God was calling her to do then I had no right to tell her that she could not go, I would not stand in the way of his plan for her life. In making that decision it did not make it any easier on me. Walking away from the Sunset church that day was so difficult not only was I leaving my daughter, I was leaving my buddy. I also knew that I was coming home to change that I did not want to face. The home was different now with Josh gone, now Sommer gone and what I had to face was Dr. appt. after Dr. appt. I did not want to go home. The first few days home were so awful, so quiet I just did not want to be here then something truly amazing happened inside of me. God wanted me to know, don't throw away what you can do with your life today and tomorrow because you are so caught up in yesterday. I thank God that he has blessed me with a truly amazing man to spend my life with and I don't want to neglect that part of my life or have my eyes closed to what the Lord wants to teach me through all of the pain and suffering. There truly can be joy in suffering I know first hand. Yes, I have good days and bad days but I know in the end I will be stronger and closer to God as long as I don't take my eyes off the prize and continue my race. One week from today I will have the surgery that I have not wanted to deal with. This just happens to be something that I have to do and I really don't want to but I know that God has big plans for me in this and he is going to use it in a big way to his glory. So I press on and I am so thankful for all of my family and friends that he shows his Love through each and every day. God bless you all!

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE

I do not like change. I don't believe too many people do. Recently in bible class Matt Phillips asked the class "when do you think it is easier to serve God, when you are suffering of when things are going pretty well? I have thought a lot about that question and I'm not sure which is easier but I believe that It is the times that I suffer that I grow the most.

As most of you know things have definitely not been going smooth this year. It started with my mother getting her cancer diagnosis back in January. Then Josh making some decisions that Arnold and I felt were not in the will of God. We were renovating our house in Madera while going through tax season. In May we moved to the house in Madera and qickley started getting the house ready for and planning Sommer's graduation party. Then it was time to get her ready for AIM in August. One week before we were to leave to take Sommer to Texas I had some bad test results and found out the day before we left that I did have cancer again and that I was looking at major surgery.

No, I don't like change and I don't like to suffer but honestly I can say it has been good for me to be afflicted it brings me back to where I need to be totally, completely surrendered to God.