Friday, May 27, 2011

I never really understood love until...


I never really understood love until I became a mother and I never really knew I could feel such heartache until I watched one of my kids suffer. I can be so strong until it comes to my children. Last year Sommer decided that she wanted to be tested for the breast cancer gene. My sister, Sheilia had just tested negative so Sommer had hope and felt it was time to deal with the results no matter what. Arnold, Sommer and I met with the genetic counselor and she was prepared to find out. They drew her blood and told us they would let us know as soon as they had the results. Sommer was home for break so we asked if possible, it would be nice to get the results before she left. The results came in the day before she was to leave. We met with the counselor and she told us that Sommer tested positive. My heart broke for Sommer, we all were hoping and praying that she was negative. The counselor reminded us that the only thing different now was that we knew she had it, she had it all along now we just have information so that she can be watched closer. The recommendation was that she see an oncologist once a year and have an annul MRI.

This past Monday she had her annual MRI test. On Tuesday the oncologist called to tell us that they saw something on the test and wanted to take a closer look so she would need to come in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound was yesterday. I sat in the waiting room was she was having the ultrasound. The same waiting room that I am very familiar with, I had waited there so many times just to hear weather or not anything showed up on my mammogram. I sat there talking to God asking him for peace no matter what happened now or in the future. The wait seemed like forever! Sommer came out and told me they said it is benign, just want to retest in six months. I was so relieved. For now everything seems fine. I really wish that she did not have to live with this but she does. It reminded me once again of how life can change in an instant and also how very important it is for more research to be done. I pray that they will figure out how to repair this gene mutation soon.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sometimes the pain hurts so bad!

It is hard to believe that I have not posted anything for so long. Sometimes the pain hurts so bad, I'm not talking about physical pain cause I have had plenty of that and have learned to deal with a lot of that. I am talking about the pain of living my life now without the one that God in all of his wisdom knew would be the best mother for me. Someone he knew would love me no matter what, someone that would teach me how to me a good mother and to always put family first.

November 2, 2009, I said goodbye to my mother, I was there to the very end, I sat there and watched as every one of her body organs was shutting down. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, was to tell my then 19 yr old daughter, when I picked her up at the airport , was that her granny did not make it. She was trying to hold on to say goodbye but her body could not handle it any longer. There is a hole that losing a mother leaves in your heart and I know that God is the only one that can take that pain and turn it into something for good.

The last year and a half I have learned so much about myself and about life. I guess in losing my mom it was not just that she was gone that I was grieving. I had survived cancer for so long and I prayed and I guess you could say assumed things would go the same way with mom. When it didn't I had to deal with my own life once again with the "what if?" Losing her taught me once again how precious life is, how fragile life is and you never know how long you really have. I don't have any regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mother and as hard as life is without her I can't help but be thankful for the time that I did have and that her suffering is over.