Sometimes the pain hurts so bad!

It is hard to believe that I have not posted anything for so long. Sometimes the pain hurts so bad, I'm not talking about physical pain cause I have had plenty of that and have learned to deal with a lot of that. I am talking about the pain of living my life now without the one that God in all of his wisdom knew would be the best mother for me. Someone he knew would love me no matter what, someone that would teach me how to me a good mother and to always put family first.

November 2, 2009, I said goodbye to my mother, I was there to the very end, I sat there and watched as every one of her body organs was shutting down. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, was to tell my then 19 yr old daughter, when I picked her up at the airport , was that her granny did not make it. She was trying to hold on to say goodbye but her body could not handle it any longer. There is a hole that losing a mother leaves in your heart and I know that God is the only one that can take that pain and turn it into something for good.

The last year and a half I have learned so much about myself and about life. I guess in losing my mom it was not just that she was gone that I was grieving. I had survived cancer for so long and I prayed and I guess you could say assumed things would go the same way with mom. When it didn't I had to deal with my own life once again with the "what if?" Losing her taught me once again how precious life is, how fragile life is and you never know how long you really have. I don't have any regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mother and as hard as life is without her I can't help but be thankful for the time that I did have and that her suffering is over.